Day 41 - Darkness and Light

A few days ago, I reflected on nurturing relationships.  Meeting the person you are with where they are at during a certain emotional time.  Being present.  Obviously this extends to all our relationships, but especially to our kids.

A struggle I've been having lately is feeling a different connection with my children.  The bond with Little Man is unique and one I don't have with Little Miss.  Maybe she and I are bonded differently and it's more subtle (if that word can be used to describe the two of us!).  I worry, though, that the more tangible connection I have with Little Man negatively affects my relationship with Little Miss.  Probably unfounded but a mom will worry.

With Little Man, I was blessed to stay at home for his first two years.  I worked, but I could also go to story time and do things during the day.  There was more one-on-one when he was tiny.  We would sit in the yard on a blanket and watch ants and the clouds and put our feet on the grass.  We'd take tons of walks and listen to music.  

With Little Miss, I started working part time when she was just a couple months old and that quickly grew to full time.  She started daycare at 8 months and has been there since.  I carry that guilt with me.  I feel like I've missed out on so much time because of work.  However, I also recognize that had I not gone to work and had some adult interaction, the year Dear Husband was deployed would have been a much darker time for me.

So maybe it's the fact that she had her one-on-one time with other kids and adults versus me that has created the different connection.

I'll also admit that after I had Little Miss, I was slipping into depression.  I was in a dark place for quite awhile.  Not publicly but privately; it was pretty unhappy.  We found out about DH's deployment when I was newly pregnant with her so that doom lurked over me like a cloak waiting to envelope me for much of that time.  I was so excited when she came but somehow felt separate from her.  The fact that I started working soon after added to the weight of the cloak.  Then a couple months after that, I had to stop nursing.  Again, the cloak got heavier.

Not having DH there to help pull me out only made it worse.  I had a lot of good moments but there were some really unhappy ones where the whining and crying and wants and needs became too much and I yelled and snapped and was irrational.  I hope and pray daily that the more memories we make post-deployment, the less my kids remember me during deployment.  I was not a happy mom or wife.

It's hard to admit any of that because there's the expectation that military wives are superwomen.  We can handle it.  We've been prepped for it.  No matter how many times a deployment happens, though, one is never prepared.  Life changes.  Circumstances change.  They only become more difficult.

It's also hard to admit any of this because of DH.  Who am I to complain when he missed an entire year of our lives?  Birthdays, Christmas, first steps, words, trips, etc.  I don't think I'll ever comprehend the depth of his sorrow or guilt for being gone.  I understand the reasoning behind those feelings but I haven't even been gone from them more than a few nights versus an entire year.  Who am I to say anything about that year?

So maybe it's because she came at a darker time in life that has developed this separated feeling.  As I type this, though, I'm realizing it's probably more frustration at myself for not allowing her to lighten that time of my life.

Whatever it may be (and it's probably a combination of all), I have guilt for feeling this way.  I need to love my children equitably.  I do, but I don't always feel that way.

How does one nurture that connection?  How does one create/strengthen the bond?

Life is drastically different now.  I'm a much healthier version of myself mentally.  The cloak has been pushed off and that weight is significantly less now.  I still feel waves of it occasionally - usually when I'm tired or irritable.  Then the snappiness and yelling returns.  Then the guilt comes full strength for allowing the darkness to reenter in to my life.  It's a snowball effect.

My challenge to myself is to make the effort to connect deeper with Little Miss.  To create our moments and memories.  To push that darkness further away and allow her incredible light in.  She has a beautiful, independent spirit that I want to nurture and help grow.  She is going to move mountains and I want to be her support to do so.

I just need to find the stepping off point.

....

Cheers,
Megs