It's a battle between guilt and sanity that only grace can resolve.
Full disclosure - I'm Catholic. A cradle-Catholic. One of six in my family raised in a small town on the hi-line of Montana. I started mothering at a young age; however, it's hard to not feel guilty when I entertain the thought that three children is enough.
Why do I have feeling that in order to be a "good" Catholic family, we need to have a "ton" of kids (i.e. more than two or even three)?
As I sit down to write this, my middle one is taking a shower after another eventful battle of the wills between mother and daughter, our oldest is finishing up hockey practice, and our youngest is entertaining himself by climbing on the open door of the dishwasher while pulling out the silverware.
I admire mothers who have seemingly eternal patience...or at least have learned to mask impatience with great composure. My sisters-in-law and mom come to mind. One sister has five boys and one baby girl and never seems to run out of patience. I know she must. I know she must lose her mind at times and yet it never comes across to her children, other's children, or her plethora of siblings.
She is a great Catholic woman - and not because she has six children but because she is incredibly faithful. She would be a wonderful Catholic woman without any children. I believe her faith strengthens her as a mother and motherhood has strengthened her faith. It's a play between the two and one couldn't be without the other for her.
My mother was a great Catholic woman yet it manifested itself differently. She was and is one of works and service. She was deeply involved in not only church activities and projects but most of what we did as kids. She showed us what it meant to be there for our children and still exemplifies that as a grandmother.
Both women share the quality of ducks - they let it run off their backs. Not much seems to ruffle their feathers. I was not blessed with this gift. My first reaction is emotional nine times out of ten. This is something I've struggled to recognize and, in turn, control especially with my kids. It's in those moments of emotion that I find the thought creeping from the back burner "What am I thinking? No way can I have more kids. Definitely can't handle it." Then as the emotion ebbs away and we settle in to a comfy spot to read, I think "Oh yes, I could do this. Spread a couple more around."
Outside those yin and yang moments, I have to take a honest inventory of my life, our family, my emotions and well-being and figure out what I could handle. Yes, I know God only gives us what we can handle, but I believe He has also tagged us with the responsibility to recognize that in ourselves as well. I know I would probably survive bungee jumping but my incredible fear of heights coupled with a very weak stomach forces me to accept that - even though I would make it - my well being would suffer greatly because of it.
So I sit at a crossroads. To have more or to "be done." Complicating the matter is the fact that I am Catholic. Yes, that means I follow the Catholic teachings of the use (or rather non-use) of contraception. Further complicating the matter is the fact that I have multiple medical conditions which create a wonderful environment for getting pregnant but not so much for staying pregnant as well as several other symptoms for which the most effective medical resolve is contraception.
Two parallel roads are running next to each other. Our decision to have our family be complete and my health and it's well being. I'm hard-pressed to figure out where they will cross and what that will mean.
For now, I've resolved to focus on my health, which means taking the "hormone therapy." Over the past two months, I've noticed some changes and some resolve but since most of the matters are sub-surface, I don't really know what it's doing. I don't feel too crazy or too abnormal so I guess that's a good sign. I also feel some peace knowing it's given me some mental space and energy to pray about our family and enjoy the time we have with our three in the moment.
Hopefully the grace will continue to pour in and assuage the guilt that seems to remain in the background.
